Post by magnusgreel on Feb 8, 2008 18:00:48 GMT
Doctor Who: The Enema Within
(as John Leeson might have put it*)
The Eighth Doctor story they didn't do a television movie about
by <magnusgreel>
Written December 14, 2000
*********
Place: San Francisco
Date: December 31, 2000
There was a strong, insistent pounding at Grace Holloway's apartment door, or rather, about two-thirds of the way down her front door. "Grace! Grace!!" bellowed a voice through Grace's mail slot. "I'm back!! Open the door!!"
Dr. Holloway ran to the door. "Uh... who is it?"
"Wait... I had it a minute ago... why does everyone keep asking me such hard questions? 'How do we stop the Daleks from invading?' 'How are you going to jump-start the Big Bang using only a can of Tinkertoys and some flashing Christmas lights?' 'What's your name?'"
"Sorry, I asked first. What's your driver's license say?"
There was a short pause from outside. "Wait, I have a few of those... they all say 'Brigadier Lethbridge Stuart', and come from different time periods. I don't think that's me. I have a feeling I just nicked those. One moment... it's coming to me.... I... am... Doctor..."
Grace finally got it. "Oh, Doctor... uh... it's been a while, hasn't it?"
"I would have had it, if you hadn't interrupted me," the Doctor snapped. "Doctor... Doctor.... Well, anyway, let me in!!"
"Uh... is that really necessary?" Grace said. "Couldn't you just squeeze your lips through the mail-slot?"
The Doctor was in a near-panic. "Grace, you don't understand! The Eye of Harmony has been opened, and this world is about to be pulled through it! Aaaaa! AAAAA!!!"
"You mean... just like last time?" Grace countered.
"Yes, but... last time it wasn't really the new century or the new millennium, and this time it is, so it's even more scary this time. Scary! Scary! Boo! BOO!!"
Grace pondered that for a minute. "Nope... doesn't make any more sense than it did last year. Tell me Doctor... couldn't it be said that you make these little crises possible just by coming here? I mean, it's your TARDIS that's putting us in danger."
"Wel... yes."
"Furthermore... " Grace continued, "Don't these things happen because you keep losing track of the TARDIS key?"
"I was shot the last time," the Doctor protested.
"Yes, but you didn't even look at the scanner before going out. So what happened this time? You don't look like Rowan Atkinson or Joanna Lumley now, do you? Or did the key just fall through a hole in your pocket, or something?"
The Doctor cleared his throat. "I still have the key. Actually, when I opened the door, a Zygon just pushed me out of the way and ran in."
"YOU MISSED A ZYGON IN FULL VIEW STANDING JUST OUTSIDE THE TARDIS DOOR?"
"Oh yes..." the Doctor said. "I have a scanner, don't I..."
"Good grief... so how did he open the Eye? I thought only the eyes of humans opened it," Grace said, puzzled.
"It seems he had human eyes... in his pocket, that is," the Doctor said sheepishly.
"Eeeeww...." Grace answered. "Wait a minute. Zygons have pockets?"
"I'll explain later," Doc #8 said, unhelpfully.
"So anyway, Doctor... what do you expect me to do this time?"
"I hadn't thought ahead that far," the Doctor said. "Could you call me a cab? And how about some money for the cab, and to buy a baseball bat or something to deal with the Zygon?"
"Fine... I'll call a cab. Here's a twenty..." She squeezed the bill through the mail-slot. "Come to think of it... why don't you use that gold-dust from those drawers in the Console Room? And what's a Zygon doing in San Francisco? And how do I even know what a Zygon is?"
"I'll explain later."
"When?!" Grace asked, getting a little exasperated at this line, by now.
"Uh... December 31, 2001!! You think things are serious now... just wait till next year! Hoo-boy!!"
"You know what, Doctor? I'm just not answering the door next year. Better yet... I'm moving and leaving no forwarding address. In fact, I'm changing my name, and if I can find a way to fake my own death, I'm doing it. Anything to make sure I [/i]never see you again!!"[/i] Grace was screaming herself red in the face now.
She then heard some strange scuffling at the bottom of her front door. "What are you doing?"
"Just attempting to squeeze my lips through the mail-slot, my dear. It's a curse being so irresistable, but I suppose I'll just have to live with it..." One of the Doctor's lips was, in fact, starting to make itself visible through the slot, though the circulation was starting to get cut off and it was turning a little blue.
"AAAA!!! Get out!!" Grace screamed, slamming her palm down onto the slot, resulting in a muffled yell from the other side of the door.
Of course, just as she ran to the phone to call for the taxi, it became January 1, 2001, and this somehow resulted in the Earth being sucked through the Eye of Harmony, and destroyed. The Zygon was also destroyed, raising the question of why he had wanted to open the Eye. I guess the Doctor will explain later....
END
* At the TARDIS Chicago (2000) convention, John Leeson repeatedly referred to "The Invisible Enemy" as "The Invisible Enema".
(as John Leeson might have put it*)
The Eighth Doctor story they didn't do a television movie about
by <magnusgreel>
Written December 14, 2000
*********
Place: San Francisco
Date: December 31, 2000
There was a strong, insistent pounding at Grace Holloway's apartment door, or rather, about two-thirds of the way down her front door. "Grace! Grace!!" bellowed a voice through Grace's mail slot. "I'm back!! Open the door!!"
Dr. Holloway ran to the door. "Uh... who is it?"
"Wait... I had it a minute ago... why does everyone keep asking me such hard questions? 'How do we stop the Daleks from invading?' 'How are you going to jump-start the Big Bang using only a can of Tinkertoys and some flashing Christmas lights?' 'What's your name?'"
"Sorry, I asked first. What's your driver's license say?"
There was a short pause from outside. "Wait, I have a few of those... they all say 'Brigadier Lethbridge Stuart', and come from different time periods. I don't think that's me. I have a feeling I just nicked those. One moment... it's coming to me.... I... am... Doctor..."
Grace finally got it. "Oh, Doctor... uh... it's been a while, hasn't it?"
"I would have had it, if you hadn't interrupted me," the Doctor snapped. "Doctor... Doctor.... Well, anyway, let me in!!"
"Uh... is that really necessary?" Grace said. "Couldn't you just squeeze your lips through the mail-slot?"
The Doctor was in a near-panic. "Grace, you don't understand! The Eye of Harmony has been opened, and this world is about to be pulled through it! Aaaaa! AAAAA!!!"
"You mean... just like last time?" Grace countered.
"Yes, but... last time it wasn't really the new century or the new millennium, and this time it is, so it's even more scary this time. Scary! Scary! Boo! BOO!!"
Grace pondered that for a minute. "Nope... doesn't make any more sense than it did last year. Tell me Doctor... couldn't it be said that you make these little crises possible just by coming here? I mean, it's your TARDIS that's putting us in danger."
"Wel... yes."
"Furthermore... " Grace continued, "Don't these things happen because you keep losing track of the TARDIS key?"
"I was shot the last time," the Doctor protested.
"Yes, but you didn't even look at the scanner before going out. So what happened this time? You don't look like Rowan Atkinson or Joanna Lumley now, do you? Or did the key just fall through a hole in your pocket, or something?"
The Doctor cleared his throat. "I still have the key. Actually, when I opened the door, a Zygon just pushed me out of the way and ran in."
"YOU MISSED A ZYGON IN FULL VIEW STANDING JUST OUTSIDE THE TARDIS DOOR?"
"Oh yes..." the Doctor said. "I have a scanner, don't I..."
"Good grief... so how did he open the Eye? I thought only the eyes of humans opened it," Grace said, puzzled.
"It seems he had human eyes... in his pocket, that is," the Doctor said sheepishly.
"Eeeeww...." Grace answered. "Wait a minute. Zygons have pockets?"
"I'll explain later," Doc #8 said, unhelpfully.
"So anyway, Doctor... what do you expect me to do this time?"
"I hadn't thought ahead that far," the Doctor said. "Could you call me a cab? And how about some money for the cab, and to buy a baseball bat or something to deal with the Zygon?"
"Fine... I'll call a cab. Here's a twenty..." She squeezed the bill through the mail-slot. "Come to think of it... why don't you use that gold-dust from those drawers in the Console Room? And what's a Zygon doing in San Francisco? And how do I even know what a Zygon is?"
"I'll explain later."
"When?!" Grace asked, getting a little exasperated at this line, by now.
"Uh... December 31, 2001!! You think things are serious now... just wait till next year! Hoo-boy!!"
"You know what, Doctor? I'm just not answering the door next year. Better yet... I'm moving and leaving no forwarding address. In fact, I'm changing my name, and if I can find a way to fake my own death, I'm doing it. Anything to make sure I [/i]never see you again!!"[/i] Grace was screaming herself red in the face now.
She then heard some strange scuffling at the bottom of her front door. "What are you doing?"
"Just attempting to squeeze my lips through the mail-slot, my dear. It's a curse being so irresistable, but I suppose I'll just have to live with it..." One of the Doctor's lips was, in fact, starting to make itself visible through the slot, though the circulation was starting to get cut off and it was turning a little blue.
"AAAA!!! Get out!!" Grace screamed, slamming her palm down onto the slot, resulting in a muffled yell from the other side of the door.
Of course, just as she ran to the phone to call for the taxi, it became January 1, 2001, and this somehow resulted in the Earth being sucked through the Eye of Harmony, and destroyed. The Zygon was also destroyed, raising the question of why he had wanted to open the Eye. I guess the Doctor will explain later....
END
* At the TARDIS Chicago (2000) convention, John Leeson repeatedly referred to "The Invisible Enemy" as "The Invisible Enema".
